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Podcast: How To Stop Comparing Yourself

Podcast: How To Stop Comparing Yourself

 

The lovely Becki Rabin asked me to appear on her super cool podcast to discuss all things ‘life’ – including how to stop comparing yourself.
In her usual chatty style she threw quite a few important questions at me to answer and if you are interested in self-development you need to listen to this!
During the podcast, I talk about how to:

  • Stop comparing yourself to others.
  • How to start believing in yourself.
  • How to start truly believing that you are good enough and worthy enough.
  • How to go out there and grab life with both hands.

To download the podcast…
The podcast is available on Acast, iTunes and SoundCloud.
iTunes link here – go to episode 22: ‘Dropping comparisons and focussing on you’.
I hope you enjoy it!
Jacqueline x


The Life Class

The Life Class has gone LIVE!
I wanted to share with you my recent activity which literally involved sweat and (happy) tears but luckily no blood! The Life Class is my online school which runs two courses, one to become a Certified Life Coach the other is the Foundation Course which is for anyone and everyone who wants to learn how to become their happiest self in less than 5 mins a day.
It’s been sitting online for around 5 years but this year I decided to revamp it, re-brand it and add a tonne more information – I’ve made it even better and I am super excited to share this with you! Here is a short synopsis…

What?

My online courses are a collection of my life’s work. I’ve seen the material transform hundreds of lives. Will it work for everyone? I wish. Will it work for everyone who works it? In my experience, yes!

How?

The course runs automatically and once you sign up you get six stunning modules of life-changing information, with videos, worksheets and notes that you get to keep forever.

Why?

Silly really because, hell, why not?!

When?

Now! Head over to www.thelifeclass.com, there is no time to lose!
What are you waiting for? Go!
Big love,
Jacqueline x


Rejection

Rejection

I received a really interesting email from a GQ reader this week asking  ‘When loneliness, a lack of self-confidence and insecurity all conspire against you, what do you do? I wanted to share the answer I had for him here as I think this is an important read for anyone who struggles with rejection.

Dear GQ Therapist

I don’t know why, but I feel like no one likes me. I have always found it hard to make friends and it is a feeling that I still get now I am at work. What am I doing wrong?

Human beings are a social species, and yet many people feel like they “just don’t fit in” with everyone else. A recent UK study found that one in ten people didn’t feel they had a close friend, while one in five never or rarely felt loved. So, while we may feel alone in thinking “nobody likes me”, we actually have that emotion in common with a great many people. Moreover, those who feel this sense of isolation also fail to realise that the reason it is so easy to perceive themselves as an outcast or to feel rejected, disliked or simply not good enough, has much less to do with your external circumstances and everything to do with an internal critic – something we all possess.

A psychologist, Dr Robert Firestone, once conducted research using a scale that measured individuals’ self-destructive thoughts and he found the most common critical thought people had toward themselves was that they “are not like other people”. It’s so interesting to me that this is a critical thought when it should in fact be a positive thing. Just think, if we were all the same, what a boring world it would be.

Before I give you a few tips on silencing that inner critic, I want you to know that there is no one in the world that “everyone likes”. It simply isn’t realistic. No one likes everyone, so those expectations you have placed on yourself are just not cool. Second, you don’t “feel” no one likes you… you think it. There is a big difference between what you think and what you feel. Getting your thoughts straight really matters when it comes to mind management. When you understand that you are in control of your thoughts, you can then become in control of your feelings.

A thought that says “no one likes me” is a thought that is not only negative, but also clearly not true. It simply cannot be that there are four billion people on the planet and no one likes you. Get my drift? So, it would be a great idea if you could look at your thoughts more factually. Asking yourself questions that start to promote a more truthful and realistic thought process.

Again, I am going to say that you “think” it is hard to make friends – not because it is true, but because you think it is. If you think it is hard to make friends, it will be. If you think that you could try to just make one friend by the end of the month, it gets easier…

Now, I want to help you understand, and then politely tell this inner critic where to go. First, it is important to get conscious. Start to notice when your thought process shifts and your inner critic starts to talk. Maybe you’re on a date and it starts with, “She doesn’t even like you.” Or you may be in a meeting and when you finally speak up, you have a thought like, “You’re not making any sense. Everyone is looking at you. You are an idiot.” As an exercise, write down those critical thoughts in a notepad, so you can start to get properly conscious of what you are saying to you.

Second, take a look at those nasty thoughts and ask yourself, ‘Would you speak to your best friend like that?’ The answer is almost certainly no. Would you speak to your other half like that or your kids? Doubtful. You see, when you are conscious of what you are saying to yourself, it’s likely you will become more ready to change it. A recent quote by Amy Poehler: “Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works. Even demons gotta sleep.”

Third, once you’ve identified the critical thoughts, it’s essential to challenge them. So if your inner critic tells you to stay isolated or not go out, you have to start thinking about why it would be great if you did go out. If it tells you to keep your mouth shut at a party, uncomfortable as it may seem at first, you have to find a way to think about doing the opposite and not indulge in the negative thinking. Challenging yourself is key. Remember, the way to make the changes you want is to change the formula.

It is likely that as you take this process, you will find yourself having thoughts like, “This just isn’t working for me. I know I’m not good enough.” I would remind you that challenging these negative thoughts is what will lead you to get what you want in life. Thoughts are powerful and the beautiful thing about that is that thoughts are a choice. You can choose the negative thought or you can choose positive ones. It is important to know that you can choose different thoughts and find ways to access your confidence, strength and calmness, all via your mind.

Slowly but surely, your inner critic will be around less and less and your real self will become stronger, more confident and you’ll see that all along people wanted to hang out with you. You just hadn’t had your own back first…

You can read the full article in GQ Magazine here


Gaslighting

Gaslighting

What is it, is it happening to you and are you doing it?

As the GQ’s resident therapist I wanted to share with you here, my answer to a reader’s question of how to spot and how to stop the psychological manipulation that is ruining not just people’s relationships, and their lives.
Dear GQ Therapist,
I have been hearing a lot about gaslighting lately. What is it, how do I know if I have been a victim of it and what should it do to combat it?
First off, the best way to explain gaslighting is where someone seeks to manipulate someone else by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.You will know you have been a victim of gaslighting if you have voluntarily (or involuntarily) put someone else in a position of power over you. For example: a boss, a teacher or even your other half (but only if you are in a co-dependent relationship). Once you have put that person in that position, you then give them almost magical powers, putting them and everything they say and do on a pedestal, while simultaneously idolising them.They become someone you are afraid to lose, which, of course, adds to the fear, and you become more and more mesmerised and/or hypnotised by them. And all the while their insistence that their reality is your reality causes you to doubt what you know to be true. You feel confused and crazy. You’re always apologising, wondering if you are good enough, or knowing something is wrong but not being able to quite put your finger on what it is. You thought one thing, they say another; you can’t figure out what is right and it gets more and more confusing. It’s a pretty full-on experience and if you think this could be you, then here are my top tips to help yourself out of this situation, pretty damn quick…

If you are having a “this could be me” moment, I want you to know that it is totally possible to get out of it. The thing is, it can’t happen unless you allow it. Once you recognise that you are the one allowing yourself to be manipulated and/or persuaded away from your own thoughts consistently, then you can decide you don’t want to be part of it any more.

2. Accountability

It is really important to know that the person who is gaslighting you will never be able to take responsibility for their actions. You have to give up the hope that this will happen. They cannot do empathy or compassion. Ultimately, the thing to remember is they will simply never get it. They will never say, “Oh, you have a point and I can totally see that from your point of view.” Acknowledgement is not going to happen and things are not going to be different. Asserting yourself is not just useless, but harmful. And, of course, exhausting. You have to be the one to recognise that logic and reason can’t be applied. Don’t waste your energy waiting for them to take responsibility for their words and actions, it simply won’t happen.

3. Be defiant

When you are discussing something with the person who is gaslighting you and they demand you change your view or your version of it, know that this is not about you and is all about them – their insecurities, their fears or their issues. Trusting your own version of your reality matters. Not allowing your version or view to be altered on demand, by anyone else, matters. Sticking to what you know to be true as fact matters. Being defiant does not make you difficult. It makes you resilient.

4. Detach

Detaching from the gaslighting does not mean you have to leave. Someone can try to gaslight you and once you identify what’s going on, you can begin to turn off the gaslighting and heal. You can find ways to manage your mind around it and still feel calm and happy once you truly understand this is not about you. If you struggle with this part don’t forget to look at thelifeclass.com, which will teach you how to handle any situation, effortlessly.

You can read the full article in GQ Magazine here